Playing Grand Theft Auto in Real Life Can be OK

“Yes, you can’t be the biggest tree hugger in the world, without killing something.”

In this, the Nanny State of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, the kids of today are deprived of valuable experiences that they need to become capable adults. They’re not allowed to jump on a trampoline without paying a professional trainer to ‘oversee’, in case somebody gets hurt, and every school trip is accompanied by a pine tree of paper work, to make sure nobody gets ill from touching a dirty penny on the floor. Any form of practical work is deemed to be too much hassle or too dangerous to do, leaving our youth to do worksheets and watch videos. The problem is that seeing all these things in theory, makes you long to stretch your legs and go out and do something for real.

We’ve all heard the complaint that the youth of today don’t have enough to do, and that all they ever do do is play Grand Theft Auto, so they end up spray-painting their names on benches and mugging people smaller than them. And it’s true, unfortunately. A few months ago, somebody from our local community was doing something he shouldn’t have been in his car, so the Police went and chased him.

The results weren’t pretty, but it doesn’t need to be this way.

While the manufacturers of Playstations would have you believe that the only way to get satisfaction in life is to take a virtual gun, and virtually riddle someone elses face with virtual bullets, I believe that isnt true. No, I think there’s far more satisfaction in going out and doing it with a real gun. Now please don’t be too alarmed at that statement, because you don’t yet know who my enemy will be.

Prepare to be annihilated, Photo: Chris J. Barker

My Weapon, Photo: Chris J. Barker

Even the most devout of our tree hugging brothers will admit that we simply can’t survive without killing plants. If you want to eat carrots or lettucies for example, you have to kill them first, or if you want a nice garden, you’ll have to kill some weeds, or prune a bush. Yes, you can’t be the biggest tree hugger in the world, without killing something.

Weed killing was the name of the game for me this morning, and it was brilliant. I had a little hand gun, and when I encountered a weed, all I had to do was pull the trigger and a little jet of poison would come out and zap it. I soon got quite in to it, discovering that I could either hold down the trigger for automatic fire, or if I just pulled it in short bursts, my ammo would last longer, and I wouldn’t need to reload as much. Better still, I was clearing our territory of all our uninvited visitors, cleaning it all up and making our garden and driveway look more in line with its suburban setting and less like farmer Giles’ dirt tracks. My mum loved it, I loved it, our neigbours loved it. I got to be outside, doing something worthwhile, finding a good use for my time and achieving something to be proud of.

So there we have it, the solution to dealing with rowdy kids with no hobbies is not to teach them all this liberal ‘here’s the facts, you decide for yourself’ nonsense they teach in school. It’s to arm them with a weed killer gun and teach them who the real enemies are, whilst they’re still mould-able enough to learn.

As for me, my patch is clean. My vegetable patch that is!

My vegetable patch that is.